The bitterness of it all...
Just the thought of quitting it all and staying home with my sweet girl fills my mind more often than not. But the craziest thing is that before having her, I never thought I'd want to be a stay at home mom. I thought for sure that I'd go crazy and want to go AWOL after a month. I've never been one who enjoys staying at home. Boy, I sure learned that motherhood changes you in every way possible.
I mostly think about missing out on all of her firsts. Her first steps, her first time she rolls all the way over, her first word...all of it. I also have irrational fears of her not remembering me or loving me as much as her nanny (who we love so far). What if she cries and I'm not there? She'll hate me for that. What if she is sick and needs my comfort? She won't want me to comfort her anymore because she's not used to me since I'm not there. Blah blah blah! I guess you can say all of my fears and sadness of returning back to work are pretty selfish. The hesitation always revolves around my own feelings of loss or feeling left out, and little to do with how my returning would affect her.
The sweetness...
I know my returning to work will make me a better mother. Allowing her to interact with someone other than myself will be good for her.
But most importantly, I know going back to work will make me a more complete person. I'll be able to have grown up conversations that don't revolve around baby things, making me a little more sane. I find myself yearning to socialize with someone, anyone, who actually knows who the president of the United States is. I have always loved a good challenge and my job is the epitome of challenge. At work, everyday is new and exciting (throw in days of frustration and stress), and will give me a balance I strive for away from home.
Don't get me wrong, being cooped up in a home with my perfectly, wonderful, beautiful little girl would be a dream. It'd be challenging and new everyday, but I think it'd be tough for me in the long run because I'd always think of a career I may have left behind. I'd always miss doing something that I was good at. I'd miss the drive and rush I'd get from a good days work. In the end giving it up may make me an unhappy and resentful mom and that does no good for Olivia. I have to at least give it a try to return. I can always reevaluate once I'm back.
So for now...
I am going to sulk and cry until I actually get back to work (and probably several weeks after). I'm going to cherish all of our moments together and just eat it all up. I know she will be fine and I will be fine as time goes on, but right now, I'm going to kick and scream. I hope she knows how much I love her and as she gets older, I hope she knows my decision to go back to work wasn't just financial (obviously the biggest factor), but the decision was for both of us...a happy mom equals a happy baby.
Nothing will ever change my love for you, sweet girl. Everything I do, is with you in mind...every moment in my life is consumed with love for you...remember this always.
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